Lets talk about the reality of marriage.

I am not married therefore I am not in the best position to touch this topic but I see things from a vantage point, so that perhaps, I see things that the married ones might fail to see.

Now almost every person has that dream  at a certain age while growing up. The dream of marrying a wife/husband, having kids, being comfortable in your house, with cars, a great synergy, harmony, peace and enjoyment. 

I don’t know why we had that notion when growing up but apparently in our minds, that’s what marriage is about. 

Don’t get me wrong, it is an established principle that once it’s right and with the right person, marriage is absolutely the most amazingly beautiful and surreal thing that could ever happen to anyone.

And that was why (because I only saw the beautiful part) when I was younger I’d imagine l’ll get married and cook whatever I want; I’ll cook milk swallow with bournvita soup (for real that was my one time dream and I actually believed that no amount of growing up could change my mind) or I’ll eat a whole chicken when I’m married, or I won’t shout at my kids like this or I’ll drive my car through a foreign street because I wonder how it is and I know no on will take me there. 

Then we start growing up, and our eyes start prying open bit by bit and we realise that sometimes, things don’t work out the way we assumed they will, and sometimes, they are even better than we had ever imagined.

 1, Your deadline of getting married by 21 for girl or 27 for guys is not plausible because meeting the person who can be your spouse is in itself an uncertain process.

2, You realize not everyone you like is marriageable and not everyone that likes can be liked back and even if you like each other, compatibility issues. 

3, Let’s say everything works out. There’s bound to be problems even before marriage and you either think; it will be better after marriage or is this how I’ll survive in marriage?

4, Patience, be patient. Marriage is all about patience. That’s what they all say.

5, You get married, your spouse ‘changes’ but in reality, your spouse is just exhibiting his/ her real character and sometimes there might have been warning signals but sometimes, there were none.

6, You adjust, you compromise because you’re in love and it’s all about compromise. 

7, Then his/ her family. You realize they are more important than you had ever imagined. You realize they play a part in your marriage and you have to be around them more than you thought. And as it happens when more than a person is involved, there’s bound to be clash.

8, Misunderstandings. You may have been together for years but you still have misunderstandings. You may have spoken about everything but something must cause misunderstandings and arguments and clashes.

9, Your spouse’s friends are playing a huge role in his/her life and way of thinking. You have never given them any thought but apparently they may be a threat to some aspects of your marriage.

10, Finances- You still don’t have a car. That’s not what you thought. But in fact paying for rent is a big deal. Sometimes you need to scrimp and pinch to make ends meet. It’s a drag, a slow one but you are hopeful for a better future. It just hurts when you see your dilapidated phone and wish you can change it on whim.

11, You woke up tired. Tired of him , the house, his family, even the kids. Tired of everything and you want to rest but you can’t, so that frustrates you and that day, he won’t see your smile.

12, Effort. You never knew the effort you’d have to put to keep a marriage up. All the things you thought you’d automatically do as long as you are married now require a deliberate effort. You thought you could manage all the things coming your way because there’s love but sometimes even the love require some effort.

13, Shaky Marriage. You are not alright as a person and as a couple. Nothing is fine. You are constantly on each others nerves, looking for creative ways to annoy each other. But when you come out you have to smile. And if need be you pose for the camera , hug your spouse and curve your lips because you are in a happy, affectionate marriage. The moment the camera clicks away, you go your way. You are in Hollywood and your marriage is a movie. Credits for being a great actor.

14, Miscellaneous. Problems from here and there.

15, Good times. Plenty good times filled with fun and laughter and heart warming intimate moments. The companionship and learning new things about your partner and the great people you meet through him/her and how they draw you closer to God and they generally just make you feel whole. They outweigh the weary times and that is all that counts.

16, some cases. It’s never the same in every marriage. This maybe obtainable in some and it may not be in others.

Some spouses are abusive

Some spouses are cheats

Some spouses are munafiq

Some spouses are shady or crazy

Some spouses change too drastically for the worse

Some spouses change for the best

Some spouses are negligent 

Some are belligerent 

Some just don’t care

Some are miserly

Some are wicked 

And even though you never thought of it before, some marriages end in divorce. They are never the first nor will they be the last. It’s just a sad reality of marriage.

(*So plenty comments followed on why I stopped here without highlighting the beautiful parts of marriage. The main aim of the article is sort of an informant for fellow individuals not in the institution to know that the biggest thing is not a wedding, but a marriage).

It is always said by people in the system that you as a couple will never have an unsolvable problem as long as it stays between you. But the moment a third party is included, you have signed a meddling warrant.

All of these problems, each of them, with no exception can be resolved within and they won’t even see the light of the day in the first place as long as communication exists, and understanding and respect.

That is when you create a healthy environment for your partner to be your lifelong companion. For a synergy to bud and blossom between you until you literally think as one. For you to anticipate the others company every single day because you know that you are at peace because the purpose of marriage is to find tranquility , peace, affection and mercy, that is marriage and that is what Allah has enjoined on us so when the opposite happens, that is Shaytan being an intermeddler and that is when we need to be most steadfast in prayer because Shaytans greatest joy is causing disagreement between spouses.

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an 30: 21)

The Prophet had the most beautiful model of marriage. But then the Prophet was the best of men, he showed us an example of what a true married life should be. Should we emulate him, we will discover that truly, marriage is for tranquility.

In a Da’awah I attended years ago, it was asked, who is the best husband, and we all started scrambling our brains trying to figure out the best attributes we could think of. The words ; kind, gentle, God-fearing, modest, hafiz flew out of many mouths but that was not the answer. Because the best husband is YOUR husband. So who is the best of spouses? Yours! And In Sha Allah it shall be.

Yes there are problems in each marriage, that is from Shaytan, but yes with the proper understanding and a pure mind, In Sha Allah yours will be a marriage where those problems serve only to strengthen the union and with time never even occur. It will be the doorway to Al-Jannah, of infinite mercy and happiness and that is the beautiful reality of marriage.

8 replies
  1. Umar Abdullahi
    Umar Abdullahi says:

    Beautiful piece I like it but you should have added the goodies of marriage in the same piece .

    Reply
  2. Salisu Barde
    Salisu Barde says:

    It is a great piece in general.But, most of your points are frightening,they are more of negative part of marriage than positive.
    I suggest you write about positive part of marriage and the reward next time so that it will not discourage others.

    Reply
    • Hafsah Sule Dauda
      Hafsah Sule Dauda says:

      Actually this was more of an eye opener for the present day generation who think the biggest deal about marriage is how many lefe boxes given or received. But I wouldn’t mind if you or anyone could enunciate on the wonderful parts because this is in no way intended as a discouragement but an eye-opener

      Reply

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